It’s been about a year since Matthew passed on. I seem to have reached a point with my grief where at times everything feels muted and grey. It's as if, at times, my heart has gone silent, unable to feel pain or joy, just a deafening numbness. Smiling and laughing to avoid the pitiful assurance of others that everything will be ok. Life will never be the same, pain is the price for love, and I will gladly pay that price for eternity.
The music that used to fill my life with so much joy seems to have faded away with Matthew. At times I feel empty, with nothing more to give, deflated and bare, lost in a fog of despair and sadness that seems infinite and relentless. I keep reminding myself to take it one day at a time. The riffs and rhythms will return, although I know they'll never sound quite the same. Unexpectedly, one day, I'll catch myself tapping a tune, or I'll wake up with a faint harmony in my heart. I have tried to listen to music I used to enjoy with Matthew only to realize how oddly different it has become.
Without question, life changes when we lose those we love, however, losing your child is like a complex symphony of never-ending grief and sorrow, with moments of fleeting joy followed by sudden, deep silences. For better or worse, I'm learning to embrace this road of grief we have all been put on, to become familiar with its rhythms and pauses.
I believe that eventually, I'll hear that music again, even if it's not as vibrant as before. A part of my heart went silent with Matthew. At times I can feel his presence, trying to guide me through this silence. I trust him, the process, this journey. I hold onto the hope that melody will return to my broken heart. The silence will linger, and my heart might miss a beat now and then, but it will continue to beat. There's still music and love left in it. Until that day comes, I won't lose hope.
I pray to God, and I wish myself and my family strength, patience, and maybe most importantly, hope. I can say this about hope, without it I would be lost and because of it there are more good days than bad. Hope that my wife and daughter and son will be at peace with this tragic part of life. Hope that Matthew is at peace in God’s hands.
Hope that the music will find its way back to my quiet soul.
God gave me everything and for whatever reason has taken Matthew from us. I am no longer angry about that. I have accepted it as the will of God almighty and he has taken Matthew home.
Matt’s Dad/ Roy Finch